ادھورے خواب

Finally i got pictures of my cute lil zola. I took it from ma BB which i haven’t change.

We were eating pizza and she kept on walking around us in the hope that we might give it to her. When no one of us noticed her she layed down on the sofa…..my sister kept on calling her but she wouldnt move.

Than my sister picked her up and gave her a small piece of cheez and than she started jumping around.

The other day i was in my room and she came and slept in my blanket. .   

She looked so cute i had to take her pictures.

aawww isnt this the most cutest pose ever…..i kept on looking for her in the whole house but than found her behind the curtain.

Next post insallah i am gona do it from my new house till than I am falling out!

I bought a new cell phone Blackberry Pearl but i didn’t really like it. I am thinking of exchanging it because it is missing some of the features but i am really confused  oh well i’ll see if i get time tomorrow to exchange it.

I was talking to my brother on the phone and the sweet conversation went something like this: ( i wonder why do we always end up teasing each other)

Me: i bought a blackberry.

Him: seriously?

Me: yeh :p its so cool and you know what its red.

Him: wow red is hot….i love red colour.

Me: i know

Him: are you gona let me borrow it when i come back.

Me: only if you let me borrow yours.

Him: ah no go away.

Me: than screw you :S

I am not feeling well lately, my allergies are acting up again and its not even winter yet. Now i am getting concerned i think i need to go see my doctor something is really weird going on or maybe i am dieing. eekkk it would be one horrible death. I still want to attend my friend’s wedding which is tomorrow. oh which remind me i haven’t even thought of what i am gona wear tomorrow :S.

Huh i cant even say i’ll post some nice pics of the wedding because of my stupid broken camera :(.

Life is so unfair sometimes!

I was nervous, scared and deep inside me I had no courage. I am never nervous, no matter what and even if I am no body can tell that I am nervous. So I had to act like me, I couldn’t show and couldn’t share it.. I was walking down the downtown’s busiest street, waited at couple of intersections to cross the road and finally I was there.

I was still scared and nervous of losing hope……finally the moment arrived when I had to go through the actual pain of knowing that I have no hope at all or maybe not. But than finally a twinkle of hope appeared from nowhere. I was surprised and all happy but the reason of my happiness was not what I was telling everyone and nor was the one they all were assuming. It was something else completely different.

Last time I didn’t pray not when I was going there not when I was actually there. I don’t know, I do ask myself WHY? and I always get the answer that I had fully faith on Allah, it was like I knew He wont reject my prayers. I am still surprised how I reacted when I found out there is no hope for me. I was sitting there staring at this person’s face. He kept on telling me the possibilities and kept on lecturing me that this is not the end of the world you can still carry on with life. But I wanted to run out of his office but instead I sat there, looked so clam though deep down I was shattered. Later that day I carried on with my usual routine and when finally I was alone I broke out with tears. I look strong so strong that I can go through almost anything but deep down I am the weak.

That was past and past is gone, though it is always connected with our present no matter what we do. I was happy because I found that twinkle of hope that I thought I lost. I had it all planned out, everything figured out. I told my self this time I am going to do it alone. I’ll do everything all by my self, I don’t need anyone’s moral support. It is better if you go through any pain any suffering all by your self instead of having people standing beside you and not do anything but watch you break down. At least than you cant complain of being lonely. All of the sudden I was confident and full of energy. This time I prayed, I actually deeply prayed.

How easy it is for someone to give you hope and for the other person to take it back . I was avoiding it for last two months, I had no courage to face the harsh fact of life. Maybe deep down I knew I have no chance at all and I just wanted to live with this fake hope. Life is so easy that way. I wasn’t confident at all, I don’t know where I have lost all my motivation, all my strength. I was sitting there shaking my feet nervously. Than finally I was called in and than I found out its all gone, I’ll never ever have any hope.

Now that I think of it, it seems like it was all my fault, I knew about it all the time yet I had to put myself into this. WHY? Do I enjoy going through this pain again and again? So finally I have decided, I am not going to try again and I will live with this fact. I know life is never gona be easy for me and it never was. So yesterday was the day when I lost it all and weird people around me have no idea at all what I have gone through. I am doing as one of you reader advised, I am telling my self that nothing bad had happened, it is working but not as much. I need time to recover though I know I’ll never recover yet I’ll put up a mask of ‘I-am-all-happy’.

PS: don’t tell me there are possibilities/I shouldn’t give up and all these kinda advices because I KNOW THERE ISN’T…